I was sitting in the dining room, soaking up the sun as I created a new resource to help my community. The past few months had been amazing. I conducted a five-week workshop that filled with the perfect combination of people. I signed a one on one client from that workshop. Then I offered a special coaching package to my email list for my birthday and signed a client into that. I was thrilled. This is what I wanted – to help people connect deeply with themselves, their greatness, genius, intuition, and brilliance to bring the work that was written on their soul into the world in its highest expression so that they were living THEIR life, not some version of someone else’s life. A few weeks later, I attended a workshop on strengths and signed a client from there and shortly after another client through a Facebook post. I felt so aligned. My work and words were having an impact and I was doing what I had long dreamed of doing – running my own successful business helping creative rebel entrepreneurs remove and heal all the blocks they had placed in the way of their success, igniting their inner wealth, and designing their life and business on their terms. It felt amazing.
And then, just like that, I turned it off. I went into strategy mode. Instead of trusting that what I was doing was working (I had evidence that it was), I let the saboteur in me tell me I needed to network, do webinars, create more resources, learn more strategies – basically disconnect from my intuition and genius. I gave my power to everyone and everything outside of me – surely THEY knew better than I did. This only led to a deeper distrust in myself, which kept me in the desert. It was brutal. It was a sick cycle – I didn’t believe in myself so I wasn’t signing clients which then caused me to believe in myself even less. There was no escape because this pattern of suffering and struggle was all too familiar and it fed on me, ultimately keeping me small.
You see, struggle was what I knew. I grew up, the second of two daughters to a single mom. When my mom remarried, my creative, artistic stepdad struggled with unemployment on and off. I saw my mom work a full-time job and take on a night job as well. There was always this underlying tension of struggle. I told myself I didn’t ever want that but saying it is easy. Your deep programming is a whole other story. It manifested in different ways throughout my life.
First in my all-out attack on my body which had me struggle with eating disorders, compulsive exercise and obsessing about what I ate. This became my familiar struggle, again to keep myself small. I devoured books on the mind and body and worked on healing this until it finally lost its grip on me and I took my power back. At the same time, I struggled with relationships, which makes sense. If I don’t value my body, how am I going to value myself enough to choose men that valued me? Once again, I dug in, sought out support, read and researched, and did the work to heal.
Then when I started my business, it was a whole new animal. I thought eating disorders and dysfunctional relationships with men were bad. It was nothing compared to the demons that came out when I decided to be an entrepreneur. All the doubts about myself that had been occupied previously attacking my body or my ability to be in a healthy relationship, came at me full force. I had already done a ton of work on myself so this caught me by surprise. I had spent my life studying the power of the mind, human behavior, personal growth – I was THE self-help section of the bookstore. Yet, this, this, wow. Thank God I had struggled with body and relationship issues because if not, I’m not sure I’d have the resources and knowledge to fight this battle.
The core issue of worthiness was triggered like never before. Who do you think you are that you can help people? Look at what all you’ve been through. You really think you can make a living running your own business? You’re nuts. You need more education, more training, more knowledge, more, more, more. All this despite decades of work in this exact area, a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology, a Master’s degree in Intercultural Communication, a Life Coach certification, a Vinyasa Yoga teacher certification, years of leading professional development trainings and chairing a professional development committee, years of coaching staff on working in their zone of genius, countless workshops, seminars, and training, hundreds of hours coaching others and receiving my own coaching from a variety of coaches with different styles and backgrounds, and thousands of hours researching, reading and applying that research to my life. Oh yes, that saboteur is a wily bitch. She is relentless. This is NO amount of education, training, and experience that will satisfy her. None.
Along with the sly saboteur, the child, victim, and prostitute paid their visits. The child declared that you needed permission first. The victim stepped in and said there is something wrong with you, something must be blocking you from what you want – something or someone outside of you has the power, not you. And of course, the lovely prostitute said you better get a job because you can’t afford to go after your dreams.
No wonder it was a challenge. At the core of all of this was a lack of self-belief which gives these fears their power to attack. And they feed on each other with the ultimate goal of keeping you small, aka, “safe.”
One of my mentors told me some time ago, the whole point of entrepreneurship, the secret, the key, is learning to trust yourself. That’s it.
It’s so simple, but not easy.
So that became my work. The strategy, networking, webinars, posts, videos, none of those mattered if I didn’t believe in myself. They were merely distractions – the busy work that made me feel like I was working on my business but really I was avoiding doing the hard work – the real work – healing my relationship with myself. Because who wants to do that? That’s certainly not on the top of most people’s lists. Hmm, Grand Canyon, Grow Business, Himalayas, Host Retreats, Iceland, Write Books, Cuba, Heal my Relationship with myself – what? Wait, who put that on the list? Are you kidding? I need to make money and isn’t that what all these other things (strategy, list building, webinars, networking, etc.) are going to help me do? How is this really going to help me?
Therein lie the rub and the secret. All those things on your list – international travel, growing your business, becoming a published author, being a retreat leader and more are all only possible when you deeply and completely love, honor, respect, and trust yourself.
This work, while not glamorous, is the most worthwhile work you will ever do. And it is indeed work. It is the work of deprogramming yourself, unhooking yourself from everything and everyone you have ever given your power to over the years, cutting all those generational agreements you didn’t even realize you were keeping intact, and going within more deeply than you ever have before. Doing this half-assed won’t work. Believe me, I tried. It is all or nothing, which can be scary.
For me, it looked like taking a break from family and friends – completely disconnecting from all the sources I have, perhaps unknowingly, given my power to. It meant digging into my shadow side, uncovering buried shame, bringing the darkness to the light to see the gift that it had been hiding all these years. It meant buying a baseball bat to beat up a pillow to allow anger to have its release. It meant calling out the illusion all the lies I had believed represented and invoking the truth – again and again and again. It meant declaring that I would NOT abandon myself, hide, or play small anymore. It meant that I had to love myself and my life, exactly as it was, to stop placing my worth, value, and happiness on some target in the future. It also meant detaching from all false sources of power – acceptance, approval, validation, praise, money, numbers – anything outside of me could no longer determine my worth.
I had to come to the place where I saw my grandness, my brilliance, my inherent value – no matter my circumstances. It was the choice and decision to love myself and my life, no matter what, that changed everything.
That is the work – to know who you truly are – without your money, possessions, work, family, friends, or relationships. That’s when you see your true greatness, the treasure that you are, just for being YOU. You realize you, yes you, are significant. Just you, Not because of your possessions, your bank account, your work, your relationships. You, without any of that. You. You matter. When that comes first and foremost, that inner belief, inner strength, inner power and security in who you are, that is when everything, everything, in your life changes. Your work, your health, your relationships, your finances – they all rise to meet the supreme being that you are, to reflect your greatness and to radiate your truth. I’d say that relationship with yourself work, that’s something worth investing in. It is the very work that will indeed save your life – your true life, the life you are meant to live, the life that chose you and only you to be the star of the show. Because you see, at the end of it all, you, my friend, you are the grand prize.
If this resonates with you, check out my upcoming group program: Unbounded Prosperous Soul to ignite your Inner Wealth – Your True Wealth and Worth